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spiritual twink death: the bjj continuation

thu, 24 sep 2026, 04:58pm utc

i've been attending the beginner grappling class i wrote about in my last post for four weeks now. some time after releasing it, the stars aligned, and by a complete miracle, the acquaintance i also mentioned in the last post took over the tuesday class after the previous coach left the academy, completely eradicating most of the dreaded entry barrier for me. so every tuesday, i drag myself out of the house to wrestle, more with technical concepts than actual opponents it feels like. every tuesday except for the last one

about a week ago, i met this acquaintance at my second home, the cafe, and immediately had my day ruined. they told me that they were introducing the gi - the traditional judo and jiu jitsu garb - into the rotation, making the tuesday class i had just gotten used to gi only, effective practically immediately. i dislike the gi for many reasons that go beyond ergonomics, so i expressed my endless disappointment, but there was nothing to be done since there was practically no common ground to find, our opinions diverging too much, no matter the angle. and it wasn't like the decision was up for debate anyway. it's hard to overstate how much this turn of events hurt me

since i wasn't about to buy a fucking gi that i wouldn't want to realistically wear anyway, there was only one decision to be made, and that is the decision to walk. i told my acquaintance that i wasn't interested in attending their classes any longer and resolved to take a break from the sport to re-evaluate whether my membership at the academy still made sense. it's a knee-jerk reaction, sure, but in the context of how much i have struggled to attend classes by myself, not managing to go more than twice in the entire year of being a part of this org, i felt it was appropriate since the membership is quite expensive

but perhaps one last hurrah. the academy hosts two basics classes, one on tuesday, one on thursday, both featuring different coaches. today is thursday. i made the spontaneous executive decision to attend class and see if i could somehow arrange myself with the other coaching setup. i've gotten to know some of the regular faces over these last few weeks, so i don't really feel that out of place anymore. and interestingly enough, next to the rush of panic-inducing anxiety i still experience when pondering the idea of attending class now exists another emotion that seems completely detached from this panic apparatus in my stomach, like it originates from a hitherto unknown organ: a kind of blind excitement, a sweet buzzing reverberating in my soul which reliably carries me to class. "just go, you know you want to". and the voice is right, i do want to. i cut my nails, took my extra preparatory shower and made my way to the sweat-soaked halls. a kids class was still in session, so i put on my rashguard and shorts and sat down, waiting for some friendly faces to arrive and soothe my anxiety

the first person to arrive was unfamiliar to me, a kind of middle-aged man like myself but older, perhaps 38 if i had to make a strangely precise guess. the second and third also fit that mould, all unknown to me. at this point, my panic got much worse since i had apparently been lied to when i was told that the cast of characters was usually the same, regardless of the weekday. jiu jitsu is kind of strange in that you have to place trust in your partner to not hurt you, and rolling with people i don't know therefore makes me a little uneasy. last week, i did exactly that and got punched in the nose by an exceptionally spazzy beginner. no big deal, but worth considering when gauging the level of personal safety. there's also social dynamics. would i get along with these guys? as the minutes turned into hours and my fear ramped up to max, i took a good look around and suddenly felt uncomfortable and horribly out of place in a previously unfamiliar way

a sort of disturbing facet of my personality that becomes immediately apparent when taking a look at the people i usually hang out with is that i have a strong dislike for men. i believe all humans are guilty until proven innocent, but it takes an especially large amount of goodwill to embrace a man into my circle of acquaintances. i don't know why, maybe freud has an idea, but regardless, that is what it is. as you might be able to guess, bjj like every combat sport is dominated by men. as i looked at the ones now populating the lobby of the academy and reflected on this dislike potentially being the source of my usual discomfort at the gym, i realized that it could also not just be men, but specifically middle-aged men. i recently wrestled with presumably a teenager, and that felt strangely normal to me. perhaps the most fun and educational stand-up round of my life since i also saw a sparkle of something in that guy. this is foreshadowing. whenever i'm faced with interacting with a man in their 30s and above, a man like me in other words, i shudder

i consider myself an expert in the study of my person, but i really have no idea what's going on here. is it specifically old men because i consider them ugly? is it about beauty in the end? does every person i interact with have to be a work of art in my eyes? is that why i prefer talking to women? because i'm unfortunately heterosexual and therefore hardwired to find women more visually appealing than men? the things i'd do to be asexual. anyway, i have another theory as to the cause that gives the post its title, and it's arrested development

my teenage years were kind of wasted on me. i never did anything, never experienced anything, it's really kind of embarrassing. scared of everything, in the mood for nothing. suddenly, i find myself to be 32 and on my way out of my prime. it's all downhill from here, physically speaking. in my head, i'm still a teenager, like time stopped when i turned 19, and in a way, i still feel entitled to those years. when i wrestled with the teenager, i felt like this could be me. in an alternate timeline, i could have not been a loser obsessed with world of warcraft, instead exposing myself to the real world and specifically sports at a healthy age, discovering a passion much, much earlier and developing healthy ideas about humans due to the social exposure. it makes me sad, honestly. when i was released from the loony bin in 2024, i proceeded to do a bunch of dumb shit with a fellow ex-patient who also felt robbed of her teenage years to compensate for the time lost to mental illness and depression. i really don't want to come to terms with the fact that i'm old and that these 30- and 40-year olds at my bjj class are essentially my natural peers. it feels wrong. after all, i'm just a petit twink who just arrived in berlin to conquer the world

back at the gym, i couldn't stand this confusing mix of emotions a second longer. i told kuba, the resident giant of a man built like a truck who i'm sure will one day break my arm, that i was leaving. when i told him i wasn't feeling well, he even asked me whether my ailment was physical or mental in nature but opening up to someone you barely know in a locker room, especially a man, felt spiritually wrong, so i hit him with the ol' reliable, the "i have a splitting headache" excuse. i switched back into my old man quarter zip and my favorite pair of old man dress pants and left the building. shame i didn't bring the old man loafers

it's now 8:06 pm. i'm listening to king gizzard's crumbling castle. i'm still struggling with the idea of no longer being able to go to bjj. constantly being uncomfortable when at the gym is horrible, but i also don't want to rely on other people to make this not suck for me. i don't really have any other leads on how to make my life worth living, so that thing currently dying is scaring the fuck out of me. wrapping my arms around a person's throat from behind and hitting a rear naked choke is the only thing that gives me type 2 joy, and halfway through writing that sentence, i realized how murder-y it sounds, but i'm too lazy to reword. to balance it out: i also enjoy it when others do the same to me and i have to wriggle my way out like the worm i am. historically speaking, whenever i have thus far found myself in situations like this where something was at risk of being lost, my brain had already detached itself from the thing, so i'm assuming it's kind of curtains for bjj and myself, but who knows

anyway, i have posts on my runescape journey, on why chess sucks and other such garbage coming up